“If I end up being a great football player, do I fix the things that I need to fix as a human being and in my life?” – Ryan Leaf, Former NFL QB and No. 2 overall pick in The 1998 NFL Draft. 

There have been many, many, many things said and written about the rise and fall of Ryan Leaf, the one-time can’t-miss Quarterback prospect out of Washington State. But for as much as has been written about his playing days, both in college and The NFL, his story is much, much more than that. 

It is well documented that he had drug and legal troubles after his NFL career came to an unceremonious end at the age of 26. His downward descent seemed to go on forever, but from rock bottom, he has rebuilt himself, and he now understands why he had to go through what he did to get to where he is today. 

“We don’t know if that is true,” said Leaf regarding whether or not he would have fixed his issues if he’d become a great NFL Quarterback. “Maybe you just stay an egomaniac because you’re good at football and never fix the human side of things. So I tend not to look at that. I tend to look at it as purposeful, that it needed to happen that way. I needed to be humbled in a way that allowed me to become the version of the person I am today. I’m about to turn 50 in May, and for the last 10 years, I’ve been that person, and hopefully, for the next 40 or so years, I’ll continue to be that person.”

“When it’s all said and done,” continued Leaf, “I’ll be able to look back on my life and it’ll probably be 80% of being the best possible person I can be. And that’s what we all strive to do and strive to be in life. I mean, everybody takes what they’ve experienced and learned in their life and evolves from it. At least, they should. I’m lucky that I’ve gotten to go through that stuff and I get to be this person now. So, yeah, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Part of being that “best possible person” is Leaf’s current career as a Motivational Speaker. And it all stems from the perspective he gained upon hitting rock bottom. 

“Anytime that you fall to the bottom, you gain perspective,” Leaf thoughtfully explained. “There’s nothing that could be worse than where I was 11 years ago, sitting in a prison cell. So, anything that happens now is just gravy. Everything is just great. No matter what the day looks like. That could be a really tough day. Dealing with being a new dad and having the kids and being a husband, and working with my partner and all that stuff. 

“So, none of that stuff is ever gonna be as bad as what it was 11 years ago. So I have this, I wouldn’t even say it’s zen. It’s just a perspective that I’m really grateful for what I have now and the things that I went through were necessary to give me what I have now.”

“It’s a matter of perspective,” Leaf continued. “I have really great perspective. It helps me in business. It helps me in life. It helps me as a husband, as a father and everything. It’s just something that I think anybody who’s in recovery will give you the same answer. They’ll be like, ‘thank you for all of that happening to me, because now I have this and I’ve gained this perspective that there’s nothing that could be worse than what it was.’ And if you believe that and understand that, every day is gonna be a wonderful one to wake up to.

“That’s not always the case. You know, some days aren’t better than the last. It’s just that I know that if I do the next right thing, that it could be and when I do have a bad day or I do have moments where I make mistakes, I am aware of them and I’m able to course correct that and not compound things and make things worse. That’s the perspective.”

His new perspective is certainly a welcome one, but it took quite a lot to get there. Between having approximately 15 surgeries, getting addicted to painkillers and going to prison, along with having several other run-ins with the law, Leaf’s life spiraled out of control and at the time, he couldn’t do anything about it.

“You don’t know it’s downward when it’s happening,” Leaf said. “It’s just life. When I was in it, I just thought, at that moment, ‘okay, this is just my life now.’ In my case, I found a way to self-medicate and that made everything okay. It wasn’t a healthy way of dealing with anything. But you don’t know that when you’re going through it. This is all hindsight and being able to see now that, Oh, I was dealing with it in a negative and toxic way when there is a healthy, positive way to deal with something. 

“But you don’t know you’re on a downward slope when it’s actually happening. I don’t think anybody ever does. No one’s ever that self-aware while they’re going through it; otherwise, they would try to fix it. And so, sometimes, you just need to be humbled in a way that forces you to fix it and that’s just what happened. In my case, I had to be humbled in a way where I ended up on a prison cell floor and was forced to address the issues in my life and either fix them or disappear. Ultimately, there’s only two directions: either you fix it or you die.”

If you’re wondering how and why such a promising young football player ended up on such a downward path, the answer really boils down to the fact that he just didn’t handle things the right way. It wasn’t a coach or a teammate who caused his descent. It wasn’t outside pressures. It was all Leaf and he acknowledges that now. 

“When you’re in it, you believe you’re supposed to be there,” Leaf explained. “You’ve worked hard, you’ve done all the things, you sacrificed, and at the time, it doesn’t feel like there’s a lot of pressure. You just feel like you’re doing what you’ve always done and what you’re meant to do. And so, I didn’t really feel any pressure. 

“I think where the pressure starts to become evident is if you don’t play well. And that’s unusual, because, to get to where I had to get to, all I had done was play well. And so, I think that’s when pressure starts to mount. It’s self-made. It’s not pressure from anybody else. It’s pressure from myself because I wanted to be the best that there was.”

“I didn’t really feel outside pressure,” Leaf continued. “I felt outside criticism. What makes the difference is that those who excel and do well, even when they struggle, they don’t hear the outside noise. They are only focused on the day-to-day, the things they have to do to get better. 

“What I really struggled with was outside noise. I couldn’t block it out. I was highly sensitive to people not thinking I was doing the right things. My whole life, I’d always just shut those people up by playing well and when I wasn’t playing well anymore, that affected me greatly.”

For those trying to connect the dots from his on-field struggles to his off-field issues, here’s what happened…

“I didn’t start using (drugs) until after my career was over,” Leaf said. “So as much as I’d like to use that as an excuse as to why I played poorly, it wasn’t. I didn’t start abusing drugs until I had left The NFL. I had been introduced to those drugs because of surgeries. I had 15 surgeries, from as far-reaching as orthopedic injuries to a brain tumor, post-career. 

“So that’s where I was introduced to the medication and I knew it worked. So I started using that to numb whatever feelings I had around failure, around fear, judgment, criticism, things like that. But it was never something that affected me when I was playing, because, as I tell people, my first drug of choice was competition.”

“Competing, that’s, that’s what fueled me,” continued Leaf. “That’s what got me going. And then, when that was no longer available to me, to compete, that’s when I started abusing the drugs. It was probably six months after I had retired. It’s a disease. It’s a brain disease, and you can’t blame anybody for it. You can’t blame a doctor. You can’t blame a reporter. You can’t blame anybody. That would be silly. 

“You can’t blame a doctor for you having cancer. And that’s exactly what addiction is. It’s a disease. So that’s something I had to come to terms with and understand. That’s on me and not seeking treatment for it. Like somebody who has diabetes or someone who has cancer, you have to go to a medical professional and figure out how to treat it. And like anything, if you treat it the right way, it can go into remission and you can have the life of your dreams.” 

What put Leaf’s addiction into remission was his newly discovered desire to be of service to others. 

“The bottom line, it comes down to being of service to others,” reflected Leaf. “I was pretty selfish. But you kind of have to be to get to the place that I got to. But as it turns out, to make your life better, if you make it about other people, that’s usually how it comes from. And so that started in prison, where I started helping inmates who didn’t know how to read, learn how to read and then, when I got out, it was about helping people new in recovery. 

“It was about going to homeless shelters and just being there for these individuals. So that’s what the last 11 years have been about. I’ve kind of removed myself from the equation, made it about other people and doing that, my life got better.”

“It’s really kind of a unique thing as a narcissist,” continued Leaf. “I would probably argue that every NFL player is probably, in some way, narcissistic, in that it’s all about them. When that’s over, you really have to start making it about other people. And if you can do that while you’re going through being a professional athlete, if you can start making it about other people, you probably can have a more balanced life and be able to be really good at what you do. But also be a really good person. And that was a huge part of everything for me.”

Looking at Leaf’s story as if each piece is a chapter of a book, you can see how each event triggered the next. But what’s even more interesting is how he has now come full circle. You see, when Leaf began his recovery, he started by sharing his message with the world, which then led to an ESPN documentary being made about him. From there, Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban asked Leaf to come speak to his team, which then led him to talk to more and more programs and eventually, he got into consulting via a business he formed with his wife. 

Soon enough, Leaf returned to the world of Football via broadcasting, both as a Host and as an Analyst. 

“I think it was therapeutic,” said Leaf. “Because it made me realize that football wasn’t the problem. I was the problem and football actually gave me everything. So it gave me a new perspective on the game and now I get to interact with players and the sport that I loved. It’s really been therapeutic and an amazing opportunity to get back into and be a part of something that I loved my whole life.”